How To Make A Floor Turkey

Most of us can remember what it felt like being called on by the professor Friday afternoon in class and being asked a question that we couldn’t really answer. We couldn’t answer because quite frankly we’d spent all of the semester thus far sitting in the back row making paper airplanes, doodling, talking to our bestie about the girl two rows over with the giant blackheads in her ears, or maybe even just staring at the wall.
Well that’s exactly how I felt about three days ago when all I knew was that I wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner with my roommate.. and I had No. Idea. How. 😳
This year I realized I have spent my entire existence up until this point doing something, anything other than cooking on Thanksgiving Day. I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as a tin turkey pan that you buy at the store for $1.95 as opposed to the deep dish roaster pan (rack included) that lives year round in my mother’s oven, or that you should probably think about buying your turkey sooner than the day before Thanksgiving if you want a snowball’s chance in hell that the bird is going to thaw out.



Fast forward to the part where my roommate and I have gathered all of our information, tips, and tricks from my mother and the internet on how we are going to cook the best turkey in the history of ever.



  • Cover the bird in olive oil and chicken bone broth.
  • Stuff the turkey with chopped onions, celery, and parsley.
  • Cook for the first two hours with the breasts   on the bottom, then flip over.
  • Wrap the turkey in a t-shirt soaked in olive oil.
  • Take the t-shirt off to allow the bird to brown for the last 45 min.


Done, done, done, and check- 3.5 hours later the turkey reaches 165 degrees (F) which magically occurred at the same time the sweet potato mash, stuffing, gravy, brussel sprouts, and honey carrots were ready and right as our guests walked through the door. At this point us first timers were tickled pink.
We decide to run outside to finish some chores and get our horses fed for the evening before we sit down and enjoy dinner but it’s a good thing we decided to carve half of the breast prior to leaving the house because this story wouldn’t be mine if there wasn’t a twist…

Imagine coming up the stairs and realizing you only had two out of three dogs with you when you were outside, right when you see your thanksgiving turkey and all of its broth lying on the kitchen floor. Yep, you heard me! The secret ingredient to a floor turkey is a border collie with a lot less self control than appetite when left to her own devices. 😂



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